


You had me at hello.

by Kikuneesama



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: I dont know I'm not good with this tagging thing, one shots, songfics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23652478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikuneesama/pseuds/Kikuneesama
Summary: A collection of One Shots I have written in 2014 / 2015 that are all based on songs (because I am not too creative).I published them all on tumblr originally, but now that I have an account here I might as well.I did not rework any of the stories. I'll publish them exactly how they were back then.
Relationships: Enrique "xPeke" Cedeño Martinez/Lauri "Cyanide" Happonen, Lauri "Cyanide" Happonen / OC, Martin "Rekkles" Larsson / OC
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Overview**

Chapter 1: What a Feeling (Rekkles x OC)

Chapter 2: If it means a lot to you ( Peke x Cyanide)

Chapter 3: I know places (Cyanide x OC (but Peke is there too so..))

Chapter 4: Not such a bad thing (Peke x Cyanide)

Chapter 5: Paradise (Cyanide x OC)


	2. What a Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a Christmas story I wrote for a friend I had at the time. Written in 2015.  
> Get stuck at a snowy airport with Rekkles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song was What a feeling from One Direction.  
> Originally published here: fn-fucking-natic.tumblr.com/post/135198497789/what-a-feeling (On the 14th December 2015 apparently)

_What a feeling to be a king beside you somehow…_

“Flight delayed for unknown time.” She kept staring at the words over the boarding counter. People around made annoyed sounds. When will we know IF our flight is even taking place? Can someone explain that?”, a middle aged man shouted at a young girl working for the Airline company. Visibly overwhelmed by the situation she replied with a distinct french accent in her voice: “If the weather gets better we are ready to go.” That was basically saying, that they wouldn’t be taking off today or tonight and had to hope for tomorrow.

Snow had been falling down the skies like it was powder for basically the whole previous night and this day. The earth was lying under a thick blanket of white that she would generally enjoy, if she hadn’t been scheduled to fly somewhere at 2.30 pm and now it already was 4.30 pm and the snow didn’t seem to want to slow down. Steady flake by flake fell off the sky on the frozen ground, on the empty plains waiting to be filled by passengers on the other side of the window she was sitting next to. According to news forecasts the weather wouldn’t change until tomorrow morning, most of the Airports closed. But she was already in gate and had no way to go home now, her whole family was out. So she had no options but to stay inside the airport waiting for more news and praying that the snow would show mercy.

She checked her phone for the time and calculated that she had been at this airport for 4 hours already, 3 of them at this gate waiting. An awful lot of wasted time considering the amount of flight-time she still needed to bring behind her to get across the ocean. The one hour of free wifi had run out a long time ago, so she had no access to contact her friends to help her spend the time. She quickly decided to go look for a Starbucks, mainly for the free Wifi. There should be one in this Airport, she thought, but maybe not behind the security borders.

Slowly walking down the hallways she noticed that she had never seen the airport restaurants so filled with people. Mostly angry people complaining about cancelled / delayed flights. Usually the crowds just hurried from one gate to another, trying to catch their flights or a good place next to the boarding counter. No time to relax and eat something, at least most of them. Also the food here had always been way to expensive to logically eat here anyway, especially in case you got free food in the plane. Passing jewellery and grocery stores she finally found a Starbucks. The crowd in front of it was so large, the owner probably could pay the complete monthly rent from today's income. Not only on the inside, but also on the outside the people sat or waited, most of them with coffee and their phone in their hand.

She tried to press herself through the people trying to order a coffee, most of them just screaming that they should be next up, to find a place, at least a small spot, to sit down. On the backside of the little store she found a tiny spot on a couch, next to a young boy listening to his own music. She sat down on which their eyes met for a second on which he moves a bit father away from her. After she has pulled out her phone again, she puts on headphones and starts her music. She had stopped listening for a while to hear the speakers in hopes of new information, but now she was fed up and wanted to shut out the world for a while. Rocking back and forth to the music she listened to she tried over and over to connect to the cafe’s Wifi. No Chance. It kept loading without end. Too many people trying to get into it or already online on the server probably, she thought with a sigh. Stuck at the airport with nothing to do but listening to music. It literally felt like the most dire day in her whole life and that even though there were many bad days in her life. But this was it, this was the day she hated the most. Ever.

“Why is it not working?”, she whispered angrily, made her hand to a fist that all the bones cracked and frustrated put her phone back in her pocket for good. No point in trying over and over again and wasting all the battery that was left. She would be here all night so, better to try to safe it. Then suddenly someone tapped her on the shoulder. Moving her head to the right quickly she lost one of her headphones. The boy next on her side smiled at her and made with his hands a gesture to turn off the music. “I’m sorry, what?”, she said after she had done it and he waved a bit. She did as he asked. “Hey”, he said in English, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but hear that you were frustrated about something. Probably,” he pointed at her phone” about the Wifi that is only semi working. Is that right?”

His eyes still locked on hers, he waited for an answer, but she was speechless for a second. The boy in front of her was a tall, slim figure, blond hair, blue eyes and a nice inviting, warm smile. One or two years older. She got aware of how awkward the situation had gotten with her being so silent and she spoke up: “I’m sorry again, I’m not used to people just straight up talking to me.. and in English. Sorry if I was rude in not answering, it wasn’t my intention.”

“I didn’t want to scare you I’m sorry”, he continued, he had one of the warmest smiles she had ever seen, “I just thought if you needed internet for something really important, you could us my phone.” Still not able to talk she kept staring at him like a madwoman. Realising that it was rude not to answer on such a nice meant offer, she raiser her hands and shook er head: “Ohh, I’m sorry, no, don’t worry I’m fine. I just wanted to talk to some friends to pass time, sorry to disturb you, wasn’t my intention. I’m very sorry for that.”

He grinned at that: “Do you always apologise so much?”

“Hm, yes”, she answered.

“No need to”, he said and smiled brightly at her. She made a “hm” sound as an answer because she wasn’t in the mood to discuss her habits with a random stranger (and it was also not the first time someone told her that.) “Tell you what”, he said jumping up, “how about I get us a coffee?” She stared at him again. Was he serious? How in the hell did she give him signals in that direction? He must have seen the look on her face because he raised his hands in defense, “Ah, don’t worry, no obligations, just a coffee.”

“The line is super long”, she pointed out. The blonde guy just shrugged his shoulders and moved along to the counter. He was tall, slim, surely at least 2-3 years older than her, light blond styled hair, he must be from a northern country. Denmark maybe? He was wearing a blue jeans with a black T shirt falling over it and a vest with some kind of team logo on it. Something she had never heard of. Probably some small football team or so. She suddenly got so aware of all her flaws but especially the biggest one: that with 16 she still looked like 12. Like this guy would have ever noticed me if I hadn’t cursed, she thought bitterly. He came back 15 minutes later and dropped a paper cup on her side of the table. She nodded, “Thank you”, and took a sip. It was black coffee and tasted horrible. She started coughing and he raised his eyebrows in worry: “Is everything alright with you?” “Eh, yeah I’m sorry, don’t worry, I just don’t drink my coffee black. Wasn’t ready”, she gave him the warmest smile she could. “Oh no, I’M sorry, I should’ve asked”, his face looked very sorry so she switched the topic quickly: “A-are you stranded here as well?” What a stupid question, of course he was, everyone in this airport was.

The boy took a deep sip of his cup and replied, smiling: “Yes, I was on my way home from meeting a few friends and now I’m stuck here.”

“Where is home?”, she asked. “Sweden”, he replied.

She nodded, “Oh sure. I thought it was Denmark.”

“Denmark really??!” I absolutely do not look Danish. Danish people are boring”, he made an angry face that made her laugh. “You? Where are you going?”, he asked her back.

She let out an audible breath: “Canada. Toronto actually.” This seemed to surprise the boy: “Canada? You don’t sound Canadian”, he concluded.

“Well, I’m from here and I’m going there for a few days with my family”,she explained.

“Where is your family then?”

“Some are already there, some didn’t go”, the girl shrugged her shoulders. “And you wanted to go?”, he asked. “Not really”, she sighed, “but I didn’t have a choice.”

They remained silent for a few minutes and she kept looking out of the window on the snow falling steadily from the sky to the ground. It had gotten dark meanwhile. She noticed that she hadn’t looked at the time for a while. It could be any time right now. Five or ten or midnight, no difference. “So you didn’t want to go to Canada?”, he asked finally breaking the silence.

“We’re moving there soon”, she said dry and emotionless, “we’re looking at houses. I have to be there, no option.” She kept staring out of the window at the snow falling and thought about moving to a country where big amounts of snow in winter wasn’t unlikely. In the corner of her eye she could see his concerned look.”I gather you don’t want to move?”

The girl turned around and looked at him with tired looking eyes, shrugged her shoulders and began to talk: “Well, my life is here. My friends are here, my sister will stay here, with the exception of the youngest. I’m scared of going to university and taking courses in English because maybe my skill is not good enough. I don’t know enough about the country and the people, they will never accept me. I’m probably so much younger than most of them. I don’t want to go but I wont be old enough to stay behind. I wish I had a reason to, but I don’t Honestly its the most scary thing that ever happened to me. It’s…”, her hands were shaking when she looked up at him again. She stopped for a second, “…hard, I guess. But its probably just a minor problem, it doesn’t matter really. I will get through. I’m sorry for ranting… I’m really sorry.”

The blonde boy let out an audible sigh. I’m already annoying him, she thought. “You are gonna graduate young?”, he asked after a short while of silence that felt like eternity for her. “With 17. Which is why I can’t stay behind on my own”, she explained in a quiet voice. He suddenly jumped up scaring her to the bones. “Come”, he said, “lets walk a bit. I’m tired of this place. Lets walk around for a while.” He gave her his hand to get up and froze in that pose, a bit warm smile on his face that light up his eyes. I don’t know if I should go, she thought, but its not like I have anything else to do. So she took his hand and he pulled her on her feet.

They walked next to each other for a while, passing the shops and cafes she had already passed on her way here. They walked in complete silence. From time to time the boy pointed on something and laughed, she was amazed by how positive his spirit was. She tried to be mature and smile nicely, with poise, but she couldn’t help but get excited over the fact that she spend her time with an actual boy. He seemed really nice and cute and friendly, and he hadn’t left eventhough she was annoying. At least yet. She noticed that she hadn’t asked him for his name yet when she full face bumped into the boy who had suddenly stopped in front of a worldmap. “Sorry”, he said when he noticed that she almost fell to the ground, “ I just wanted to show you this.”

He pointed to Paris on the map: “This is where we are right now”, and he pointed to Canada (it was Ottawa, not Toronto, but it counted), “and thats where you will be headed to. Its not that far apart, see?” He smiled with both fingers put on both cities. “Maybe 5cm”, he said and she laughed. “Yeah but thats a map and in reality its way more”, she gave him a wink.

“I moved away from home when I was young. 16 even”, he said putting his hands down. She raised her eyebrows in surprise: “Really? Why?”

“Work”, he said, “I was scared as well. It’s scary, leaving your home and comfort behind you. Change always is.” She looked at him and he gave her a smile. “I didn’t even speak the language of the country I was going to, but it was a huge experience that made me the person I am today. Traveling is important. I tell you something I learned: Places rarely change, people rarely leave. You go away for a year and when you come back you will find how much you evolved and how much everything else is like it was before.” He started walking on and she followed on the foot. “What work are you doing with 16 in another country?”, she said, “if I may ask.”

Going with his hand through his hair he said: “Some sorts of sports.” He said that in a casual manner, as if being a professional athlete didn’t matter. “Sports? Like eh, football or some sort?”, she asked. “Yeah alike. Hard to explain.. anyway look, we are at your gate!” The actually had walked back to her gate and she hadn’t even noticed. The display still said _Flight delayed for unknown time_. Helpers had started giving out hot soup and blankets to all the people, since everybody knew this would be an overnight camp at the gates. Snow was still pouring down like powder she would put over a waffle.

“Sit down”, he ordered and pointed at a corner next to a window and she did as he told her to. She sat down and put her head against the cold wall and once again looked outside. The snow had already left a thick layer on the tracks and on the wings of the planes and it didn’t seem like it wanted to stop anytime soon. She thought of her friends all scattered across Europe. Was it snowing for them too? She hoped for the girls living in the more southern states that it had snowed as well, since they had never seen it before. So at least this whole disaster had something good to it.

The boy came back with two bowls of soup and a red fluffy blanket tucked under his arm. He gave her one bowl and carefully sat down next to her. He placed the blanket over both of their knees and she immediately felt more comfortable. “Thank you very much, you are very kind”, she said and smiled at him. He waved it away: “No problem, really.” He threw a look out of the window over her head. “I like snow generally”, he said more to himself then to her, “but not like this.” So she moved her head back to the window as well: “Yeah, me too.”

And then they sat next to each other in silence just eating and watching the snow fall steady from the sky. It didn’t feel awkward though, it was enjoyable. After he had finished his bowl the boy raised his voice again: “You graduate very young. How come?” She was surprised that he brought up the topic again but had no problem answering. “I skipped a class” , she said, “They apparantly think I am smart.”

“Are you?”

“Barely. I get through with pretty average grades. I’m trying to match their expectations though.” She got quieter towards the end of that sentence. He looked at the ceiling and grinned: “You’re even apologizing for something like that. I’m sure you are hardworking and smart. No reason to match anyones expectations. The only pressure on you is your own. No need for that.” He was looking directly at her. “But I…”, she bgean but he cut her off: “You know that job of mine? When I started I wanted to show everyone how good I am and that putting their hopes in me was not wrong. But, seriously, you can not match everything people want from you. You can not make everyone happy. I had to learn that the hard way. The only person you have to be enough for is yourself. Its not something easy to do, but if you have done it, its the most rewarding. I guess. I mean I haven’t done it yet. Working on it.” He smiled. “In the end you always have to do your best and be proud of the outcome. I think thats the right start.”

They remained silent for a little while more and she tried to process what he had just said. He couldn’t have been that much older than her but he already talked with so much experience. He must have been through a lot of things so far. The window her head was leaning against now was ice cold but she wasn’t shivering. His body on her side and the blanket warmed her up really good. Sitting here cuddeling with a boy was something she had never imagined happening when she got up this morning. But it was nice. Just talking to someone and get the pain off her chest.

“I don’t want to move”, she said finally in a quiet voice, “I should actually be glad for all this snow, so I can stay.”

He laughed: “ Don’t say that. I understand that you worry a lot about going so far away and that will never really leave you, I’m afraid, but I promise you true friends will not leave you and France won’t just disappear off the map.” He paused for a second. “Everything will wait here for you.” His words filled her up with a warm feeling of hope and happiness. She believed him. Not that she could stop worrying for a second, but at least she felt a lot better now.

It was pitch black outside and snow was still falling, the girl had completely lost track of time. The Swedish boy was still sitting next to her, checking things on his phone. She wondered where his gate actually was at and if he knew when his plane would depart. Hopefully he doesn’t miss his flight because of me, she thought. She felt her eyes becoming heavier and heavier and she closed them for a while. On the other side the boy chuckled in a low voice: “I think I have never spend a night with a girl in _that_ way.”

“In what way do you usually do it..?”, she said, almost too tired to speak.

He turned his head to her: “Well you know. In the way you normally do?” and laid his arm around her. She didn’t understand. She wanted to ask a follow up question, but her eyelids had turned into iron and her mouth was sewed shut.

Her head fell on his shoulder and she was fast asleep. Somewhere in the middle of the sky the last snowflake mad its way down.

~

“Hey, wake up, hey, hello!” She opened her eyes slowly. She still felt so extremely tired. Her body hurt in all kinds of places, especially her shoulders from the weird way she had been sitting when falling asleep. The boy in front of her, his hair now a bit more messy than yesterday it indicated that he had been sleeping for a while as well. “Your plane”, he said excitedly, “its boarding soon.”

“What?!”

“The snow has stopped tonight”, he pointed outside, “ The international flights will leave first. You should get ready.” She jumped up and left the blanket to fall to the floor. This was all so surprising now. He was right though, it was sunny outside and the planes and tracks had been completely cleared out of ice. She looked up at the boy and felt more disoriented than she had ever in her life.

He seemed to understand that: “Okey, you go freshen up in the bathroom, I get you coffee” and rushed off. She picked up the blanket, folded it and gave it back. Then she went to the toilet to look at herself. Her hair was messy, curls standing up in all directions and she had dark bags under her eyes. She couldn’t believe a boy of his caliber had spent an entire night next to her. How could he have put up with me for such a long time, she thought. She cleaned her face and when she came back outside there was already a line of people with their tickets in front of the counter.

The Swede came back around the corner with two cups of coffee. “There you go”, he said and gave her one. She took a sip and immediately started coughing. It was black again. “Oh shit, I forgot”, he said apologizing, but it just made her laugh. She drank the whole thing in one go. A voice announced that the boarding would start in a few minutes now, so she went to get her stuff and got lined up. Then she turned around at him. The time of goodbye had come. “Thank you for spending your time with me. I’m sorry that I’m such a depressive company”, she said.

“Stop saying that, I had a great night”, he replied, smiling his warm smile again. He turned around on his heels: “Have a safe flight, goodbye” and started walking away. “You too!”, she said to his back, “It was nice meeting you …eh…” She realised that she had never asked him for his name.

“What was your name again?” He turned is head: “Martin” and smiled, “Yours?”

She could barely see him now because he was blocked by all the people standing and waiting in line. She took a deep breath and said as loud as she could over their heads:

“It was amazing to meet you, Martin. Thanks for everything. My name is Louise.”

_Whatever chains are holding you back, holding you back. Don’t let ‘em tie you down._


	3. If it means a lot to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Christmas story I wrote, but this time Pekenide and it was shortly after Pekes departure from fnatic (do people even remember him on fnatic still?  
> Anyway, the boys are separated and miss each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song here is: If it means a lot to you from A day to remember.  
> Originally posted at: fn-fucking-natic.tumblr.com/post/106048756724/if-it-means-a-lot-to-you (exactly at christmas 2014! :D)
> 
> Oh, because I just went over the text for the spacing I want to add that Yoara is one of Cyanide's Mods in twitch.

_Hey darling,  
I hope you’re good tonight.  
And I know you don’t feel right when I’m leaving.  
Yeah, I want it but no, I don’t need it.  
Tell me something sweet to get me by._

His hands were freezing in the cold winter air. It had snowed overnight. All houses and all the whole street was tucked in with a blanket of white sugar. Not that Lauri wasn’t used to this sight. It was rather weird that it took so long for the snow to actually come to Finland. He pulled the jacket closer to his body. His mum didn’t like him going out dressed in only that, she was afraid he might catch a cold, but he refused to wear a thicker jacket for a quick cigarette. She also didn’t like him smoking, neither did his sister, but he didn’t care. He didn’t eat or drink healthy things, so his life would end up short anyway, so he might as well smoke. Or take snus. Or drink a lot of alcohol. He watched the snow glitter on the rooftops of the opposite houses and then proceeded to put out his cigarette to go back into his room in the basement of his mums house. He planned on moving out, to Helsinki maybe, or somewhere else maybe? He couldn’t decide exactly, but he couldn’t stay either. He had been home for about a month now and he was already tired of it.

The first thing Lauri did in his room after getting rid of the jacket was to check his PC for messages. There were none. That was not exactly true, there were some, but none that mattered. A few people had sent him requests he ignored and also Yoara again asked him a question regarding one of his streams. He knew that she just wanted to help and meant well, but he didn’t have time to think about it right now. He was anxiously waiting for a message. His best friend, Peke, he hadn’t talked to him the whole day, he hadn’t been online either. It was weird and Lauri was not used to this kind of situation. Usually the first thing he got in the morning was a message from the Spaniard claiming that he slept way to long and missed the whole day. But lately Peke had been busy with his team and seldom had time to just casually Skype with him. Cyanide understood that in some way, Peke was still sad about his decision to retire and not join him in his new plans.

Also there was this distance. They were already apart for 5 weeks and this was the longest time they hadn’t seen each other since, Lauri couldn’t even remember since when. It was always just the two of them and he knew that he gave Peke a place to cool down and just be himself. Peke had always struggled with his personality. He wasn’t sure whether to be the person he wanted to be or the person the public thought he is. So spending time with Lauri made him relax. All his masks fell and his core kept shining through. The Finn knew that for the knew his best friend like the back of his hand. So Peke was always sad if they couldn’t see each other for a long time and now that it seemed like they wouldn’t see each other in months, every time they talked he got more depressed. Lauri was playing with the thought of moving to Spain to live close to him, but he didn’t know anyone, he didn't speak the language and if Origen got into the LCS he would be forced to move again. He was not sure if his close friendship to Peke was worth that struggle. Lauri ran his fingers through his hair and shook the thoughts away. “ _Don’t go over this stuff again”,_ he thought. It was no use, Peke didn’t talk to him anyway. He checked his phone, but he didn’t have any messages either.

It was Christmas day and he had never felt so lonely in his life. “ _What a lost soul I am. Nobody even texts me for Christmas.”_

_Hey sweetie,  
I need you here tonight,  
And I know that you don’t wanna be leaving me.  
Yeah, you want it but I, I can’t help it.  
I just feel complete when you’re by my side._

A row of sleepless nights had totally drained Peke out. He felt like a walking zombie. It was again 6 am and he could not find sleep. After checking his phone for social media (and not answering to any of the tweets or Facebook messages) he stood up again, walking in slow circles in his room. A lot of papers were laying around on the floor. Plans, calculations, contracts, applications, potential gaming houses, the list was endless. There was so much work to do. The moment he had worked out one problem, another one popped up. It was high time they signed the Toplaner and started promotion. Also team practice and the move to the gaming house and then there was the deadline of the closing ladder at the 12th of January. It was still 4 weeks to go, but it felt awfully close. The rules require a certain number of played games with the signed player, so they had to get to work. Everything took so much longer than Peke had estimated. The deadline approached fast which resulted in a lot of sleepless nights.

Enrique had always known the moment he would start creating his own brand he would have to put a lot of work and spirit into it and he was fully committed to it, he had thought he wouldn’t have to go through this alone though. It was his dream yes, but he could’ve never imagined that his best friend would not follow him into this. In Peke’s mind everything could’ve been so much better. Lauri would be here with him sorting out the mess in his room. Lauri always brought the best out in him. He was calculating, stayed calm when Peke would freak out and knew exactly what to say to bring him back down to earth.

Enrique missed him terribly. Its been weeks since they had seen each other and days since they last talked. This distance was close to unbearable. _“Why can’t he just join me. I find a place for him to be… close to me”_ , he thought for what felt like the 1000th time. But he knew that Lauri wouldn’t agree. He liked his new life as streamer and youtuber and he was successful at it. Peke couldn’t deny that his videos were very good and funny, but watching them made his heart hurt. Lauri's voice alone could brighten his day. When the voice was gone though, he felt empty, alone and he missed his friend even more than he had before. He missed the way his face brightened up when they saw each other, he missed his hugs, he missed the way he ran through his hair when he was nervous or something troubled him, the blue eyes, his hands. He missed the presence of him, the space he got when hiding under his shield. They belonged together and not apart for a long time. He also missed him close, he missed his touch and his smell. Peke knew he was not supposed to feel that way about Lauri, but he couldn’t help it.

At 6 am on Christmas day Peke made the decision to grab his jacket and run out into the cold morning air: “ _He really has to know.”_

_You know you can’t give me what I need.  
And even though you mean so much to me,  
I can’t wait through everything,  
Is this really happening?_

“ _Fuck! I really hate this game”,_ exclaimed Lauri after dying the 10th time in game. He tried to record footage for his new guide with Jarvan, but his teammates were as reliable as they always were -not- and they never followed him into ganks, which caused him to die into his own ultimate. And afterwards they flamed him of course. Not that it surprised him SoloQ was cancer after all, but today was Christmas and you could hope for nicer teammates on such an occasion. Ah, hopes and dreams colliding with reality. He felt fucked up and lost all interest in playing more, but what else could he do? His sister spend the day at her boyfriends house and his mum was out with friends. There were no friends left in Porvoo. Most of them went studying or forgot about him. So he had to spend this day with toxic people in League of Legends. He felt like it was a description of his life.

He made himself finish this horrible game. Of course his team also refused to surrender and kept feeding without a limit to add extra fun. He tried to keep his spirits up and started telling himself that next game would be better, that not all people in League are stupid fucks and that from here on it could only go upwards, but he knew it was all lies. Most of the good players spend time with their family's on this day and only the annoying ones without a life played. He knew that this fact made him a annoying player without a life, but he had stopped caring a long time ago. He queued up for another game when he heard the doorbell ring upstairs.

What a lazy ass Lauri was! He took about 5 minutes to gather the strength to leave his chair. He procrastinated a little more and left the queue on LoL and took his jacket from worlds. He really didn’t want to show the person that he was home. He was not up for human contact right now, especially not when it was probably one of the neighbours that wanted to talk to his mum. They thought he was a wee boo loser anyway with his video games and all, so he wanted avoid running into them. Even though Lauri took his time the doorbell didn’t stop ringing. It was a constant noise in the house as if the bell was constantly being pushed down. _“Geez, annoying people in SoloQ, annoying people in real life”,_ he thought and slowly opened the door.

On a cold, snowy afternoon on Christmas day Lauri stared directly into the eyes of his best friend standing with only a small bag in front of his house. _“What the fuck,Peke?!”_

_I_ _swear I’ll never be happy again.  
And don’t you dare say we can just be friends.  
I’m not some boy that you can sway.  
We knew it’d happen eventually._   
  


The sound of the exclamation echoed through the street but then there was just silence. Peke couldn’t handle the shocked face of his friend: “ _Wow, its really snowy and cold here”,_ he said his body shaking a bit. He was not only shivering from the cold, but also from the ways Lauri looked at him. Peke really had missed him. _“How did you get my address?”_ , he asked raising his eyebrows. _“Hey, you gave it to me at some point or the other, I had it stored somewhere”_ , Peke answered, which was the truth, he just lied about the fact that he carried that address around in his purse. The answer seemed to calm the Finn though and his face finally light up the way it always used to when they met. Pekes heart felt warm immediately. He had missed him so much. He charged forward and pulled the younger boy into a hug placing his head on the other persons shoulder.

After standing around like this for some time Lauri finally invited the freezing Spaniard in. They quietly went downstairs and entered his room. _“So that is your hideaway?”_ , Peke said jokingly and gestured at the desk with the PC that was still blasting music. Lauri just shrugged his shoulders: _“Its not much and I really don’t want to stay here. You know I want to make my own home somewhere else”_ Close to me, Enrique added in his mind. There was a second of silence before the Finn proceeded to speak again: “So, why are you here?”

“I wanted to spend Christmas with you silly!” Peke punched his opposite in the shoulder and started laughing nervously. His heart started pounding loudly in his ear and he took a deep breath to say: “I missed you. It’s been so long since we had seen each other so I thought I might as well come over.” He tried his hardest to make it sound casual, like it was no big deal at all, when in fact he was way more nervous than he had ever been in his life.

Peke took a step forward, closer to the other boy, placed a hand on his shoulder and looked up into the eyes he had missed and he loved so much. Then he moved slightly towards Lauri gathering all his guts, closed his eyes and kissed him. Just quickly and slightly, like you kiss your mother goodbye. He was not sure how he reacted so he drew back immediately and looked up. Lauri was just standing there frozen looking at him: _“What was that?”_

“ _I told you I missed you , I mean…”_ , Peke tried to search for the right words, “ _I mean I missed you close to me you know. When we didn’t see each other I noticed that I missed you at my side and that … I really want you to be at my side forever.”_ His heart was pounding blood hard through his veins, his knees were weak but he finally said it! He watched his Opposite for a reaction, but he was just frozen again, probably thinking about what just had happened. Then he took action, taking a step forward and pulling Peke closer to him. They kissed again, this time I was his call. It felt warm and welcoming, it felt like coming home and it was exactly that.

It was the first snowy Christmas day Peke and Lauri spent together and it surely wasn’t the last. _“There is no me without you now.”_

_If you can wait ‘til I get home,  
Then I swear to you that we can make this last.  
If you can wait 'til I get home,  
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past.  
It might be for the best._


	4. I know places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyanide is confused and worried about the fact that Peke is thinking about leaving Fnatic for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this when the rumour went around that Cyanide got kicked and Fnatic was going away because of that. I didn't believe them at the time, but anyway here is my take on that.  
> Song is Taylor Swift - I know places and it was published on the 17th of November 2014  
> at: fn-fucking-natic.tumblr.com/post/102914206374/i-know-places

_Just take my hand and don’t ever drop it, my love._

6 am. The boy tossed and turn in his bed. Right side, left side, back to right side. He couldn’t find a comfortable position to sleep in. He couldn’t make his beating heart go slower. Her couldn’t stop his thoughts from flying. He turned on his back and opened his eyes to the ceiling. “I need rest”, he told himself and felt like an idiot, since pressuring the body to sleep never helps in any way. From the other side of the room he was able to hear the quiet, but steady sound of his best friend breathing, deep in sleep. How he could be so relaxed and deep in sleep, the boy didn’t understand. A million things were crossing his mind at the speed of a second and there was no time for his breathing to slow down, there was no time to relax.

It had been nearly two months of drama now. Not daily but almost every second day he got a new notice, a new information and the drama got stirred up again. He was tired, but not in a way that would get him to sleep. Tired in a way that he was done with everything. Done with his work especially. He had escaped to Spain, to Peke, to get his mind off of drama and here he was, next to the only person he fully trusted, unable to do so. 2 Days before he spontaneously went to Madrid he heard the News that their ADCarry – Rekkles- would only stay in their team if he – Cyanide- left or got replaced. Rekkles had been unhappy in the team for a while, they all noticed. Cyanide didn’t care much for him, he never really had. When Rekkles joined he was forced on him, because they were “Northern Brothers”. Peke moved out of his room and this young guy moved in. Swedish on top of all. So determined to win he lost fun in everything he did. So driven he criticised everything he could criticise. He didn’t like Cyanides play-style at all and could not shut up about it. Annoying. So everyone kinda guessed – and Lauri maybe also hoped- he would just leave so they could get a nice new AD back who wasn’t as nit picky. But their organisation was really sad to see a talent like him go, so they tried to pursue him with a high salary and even more additional money for his struggles. He was a bit more pleased but not satisfied. So he suggested them a deal. He would get more money and stay if either Cyanide or Soaz -their Toplaner- would be replaced. That’s all he needed, that’s what he said.

So the organisation dropped the news to Lauri and Peke end of October and it felt like a punch in the face to both of them. While Cyanide tried to cope with this as good as he could, Peke went on a total rampage. His fury and madness knowing no boundaries he declared that he would leave the organisation if he had to and also forced Soaz and Bora to make a stand for him – as friends. Paul, good soul, of course supported him. Bora wasn’t sure, but wasn’t happy either. It was 3 against 1 and 1 neutral, but who has the ability to go against their boss? So Peke’s rebellion actually changed their minds for a bit. As much as they don’t want to let Rekkles go, they don’t want to lose their face, their brands most favoured player either.

After the sudden gratefulness for this act of friendship faded (and Lauri had escaped to Spain) he had started feeling bad and very anxious. Could he stand by and watch his best friend throw away his career for himself? Wasn’t that a very selfish act? Peke was still on top of his game, at the World Championship he was amazing, he shouldn’t retire, not yet. So he tried to talk to his friend about it, but he wouldn’t have any of it. “Whatever happens, we have been together and we stay together”, was his last word, and no matter how often Cyanide tried to restart the discussion, he just ignored it and changed the subject.

So these things were on the mind of the Finnish boy constantly. Spinning around in circles, digging up the same questions, that he tried to drown in Party’s and alcohol, over and over again. It made it unable for him to enjoy his holidays, his upcoming birthday and it prevented him from falling asleep. He was tired, he was over and done with it and he just wanted everything to stop so he could sleep again, so he could start being truly satisfied and happy again. So he was laying there in dark listening to the steady breathing of his best friend, unable to stop his heart and to organise his thoughts. “I need sleep”, he tried to tell himself again, “I need it really, really hard.” But even though his body was aching all over, sleep wouldn’t come until the late morning.

It felt like he only slept 5 Minutes when Peke shook him awake: “Good Morning, well it’s noon now, sleepyhead, but anyway.” A big smile on his face and his hair wet from taking a shower he looked at Cyanide, who felt like he had a really bad hangover from thinking too much. His head was hurting, his body still aching, sadness hanging over him like a dark cloud that was about to rain. But since Peke was so cheerful, he again decided to be the same. “I had to sleep more Shithead”, he said with a smile, “Because someone wanted to play Team Builder until 4 am.” Peke shook his head and shrugged his shoulders: “No idea who you are talking about. Come on up.” Lauri took all his strength to get out of bed, after the Spaniard had left, probably to help his mother with something. He looked at his phone, 13.11. “So my birthday is in 2 days…” He had never felt any farer away from the young boy that was still exited for his birthday. That was before he was 15, that was before his career. He shook the thoughts away. He was with his best friend here, everything will be fine in the end, he knew it. So he took a shower too, got dressed and made his way to the kitchen.

As soon as he finished eating, Enrique’s mother said something in Spanish to him, that he of course didn’t understand, but he gave her a smile back. His friend quickly translated: “She asks, what we are doing today”, he answered something in fast Spanish, “I said we are going into the City and the the beach.”

“The beach?”, Cyanide said, raising his eyebrows in surprise, “isn’t it a bit cold for that?” Again Peke just shrugged his shoulders: “Its 20 outside, isn’t that like summer for you Finnish people?” He waved his hand and started laughing. “How can he always make me laugh so easily”, the boy thought and looked at his friend. As much as he was over and done with his career right now, he was more grateful than he could say for this friendship.

An hour later they left the house, Peke’s brother joined them like he had done a lot of times before. Cyanide almost knew Murcia by heart now, after spending almost 3 weeks here, he had memorized nearly every street and every store. It was almost annoyingly warm for that time of the year, he only wore a light jacket. “It’s probably snowing at home”, he thought and didn’t know if he meant Germany or Finland with that. While the two brothers switched their conversation to Spanish in means to discuss something, his thoughts started going in circles again. Home had always been were Peke was too, not were he actually grew up. His mother was never home, his sister had moved out and he lost contact to most of his school friends. Nothing kept him in Porvoo. He couldn’t even endure more than a month there. He liked living with his friends in Cologne, he would love to move to Berlin with them, but now-well- everything changed now. “Fuck it, I want to move to Spain”, he said out loud and the brothers stopped to look at him in surprise.

Peke punched his fist into his friends shoulder: “Don’t talk crap, we will move to Berlin my friend.” Lauri just shrugged his shoulders: “You will probably.” He didn’t want to say it, but there it was. Enrique’s face went dark. He bit his lower lip and stared at the other boy: “That again?” You could hear anger in his voice, “You know that we always will be together and we will go to Berlin together.” He said it like it was a fact.

“I’m not letting you ruin your career not because of me”, Cyanide screamed back at him. He wanted to discuss this not be quiet about it, but his Spanish friend just turned around: “Not going to talk about it, Lauri”, and went on ahead. “I’m not done!”, his Finnish nature made him a calm person, but Cyanide was able to get angry too, “You can’t run from that, I want to talk about it. Stop walking and talk to me. I will bring it up until you change your mind, Peke, please, listen to me.” Peke didn’t do more than glance over his shoulder back and wave with his hand. He didn’t stop walking. His brother tried to keep up, talking to him in fast Spanish, but he pressed on. A crowd of tourists passed by and driven by fury Lauri dove into them and followed them, leaving his friend and brother to be alone.

He walked with the crowd until they reached the beach. His anger had come in fast waves and had vanished almost exactly as fast. He smelled the salty air of the sea and took a deep breath. It was stupid to run from them, but he needed a bit of time to think, to be concerned, to not act like everything is fine for the sake of his friendship with Peke. While he was just standing there looking at the seemingly endless water of the ocean, Cyanide calmed down. The sea was the same everywhere. Not as cold here as it was in Finland, but still far and seemingly endless. He kicked a few shells through the sand and moved up and down while looking at his feet. His phone was buzzing one time, a message, he just took a quick look at it and deleted it. Peke was asking where he went, but he wasn’t ready to tell him yet. Their friendship was so close that every kind of argument was fought in extreme upcoming anger and then they both needed to cool down. It was nothing serious, nothing that could actually drive them apart. If he were to go back now, they would just give each other the silent treatment. Usually in situations like this Lauri would just go to his room or listen to music, but since he was here in Spain in Peke’s home, he needed some off-time. For the sake of them both.

He was still lost in his thoughts about the fight, when something caught his eye. A girl had appeared on the beach, run towards the water while getting rid of her Sneakers and socks and entered the ocean until her pants were wet from water. She just stood there, jumping over every wave, her red hair flying in the light wind coming from the sea. “It must be cold”, Cyanide thought, watching her move further forwards into the Water, “This stupid girl will freeze to death afterwards if she doesn’t have a towel.” He couldn’t stop looking at this weird person, when she finally lifted her arms in the air. It was a strange position to be in, but the shone against her face and the shadow almost looked like she had wings. The wind stopped blowing and she took her arms down, still putting her head up towards the sunlight, like she was taking a bath in it. It were weird movements in his eyes, but so fascinating to watch her. And then she turned around and threw a look over her shoulder and smiled at him, a bright, catchy smile, showing almost all of her teeth. “Wait, did she just look at me?”, he was unsure, so he took a glance over his own shoulder if someone would wave at her, but nobody did. He looked back to see that she had gathered her shoes and socks and was making her way towards him.

“Lauri – Cyanide – Happonen”, she said with a slight accent in her English, “Who’d known I meet you here? Well I knew you would be here, with your husband, but who would have thought I really meet you live and in colour?” She was talking fast, smiling, waving her arms around like a penguin. She was clearly nervous and tried to avoid looking at him closely. “I hope you like it here, I do. I mean, I like it. Okey, I admit, I have only been here for about 2 hours but I love it so far, I mean there is the sea and the City and Spanish guys…” She looked up at him for the first time. She really had to look up since her head just reached his shoulder. He wasn’t happy. A fan, now of all times.

The boy tried to laugh his best possible smile at her: “So you know me? Can you tell me what you were doing back there?” She just shrugged her shoulders waving at the sea: “Just breathing.”

“Breathing?”, the surprise in Lauri's voice was audible. She lifted her eyebrows, blushed and turned to look to her feet: “Yeah its just… I feel like the sea is the only place where I can breath freely. It’s stupid, I’m sorry.” Her embarrassment was cute to look at. He smirked and put his head into the sun, like she had done before: “I understand, don’t worry.”

A minute of silence past, she was nibbling at her jeans and burying her feet in the sand, while Cyanide just bit his lower lip and started looking at her. She was small not necessarily thin, but normal. Her hair was long, straightened up, toned in a brown-red colour. She wore a black Shirt, a black light jacket and a grey skirt over her now mostly wet black jeans. Slight make up. He could also smell a decent smell of perfume. Her eyes were fixed on a point in the ocean, something far away that he himself couldn’t see, deep black they gave a sad look that didn’t go along well with her red lipstick. She noticed that he was looking at her and blushed even more turning back at him biting her own lip: “So…” she paused on ‘o’, “ where is your husband?”

Lauri shrugged his shoulders: “To be completely honest with you I ran away. Needed some time off.” He didn’t quite understand why he had said that. It was in his Finnish nature to not talk about things that bothered him ever (except for when he was drunk), but somehow he trusted this random person he had just met. It was something about her eyes. Sad, but kind. The girl widened her eyes in surprise and then -almost giving him a heartattack- let herself fall into the sand patting her hand on the sand next to her: “Tell me if you like. If not you can just sit here and I make sure you won’t be found.” He looked around the beach and the stores a long the promenade. Peke was nowhere to be seen. Cyanide thought about it for a moment and sat down next to her, leaning against the wall that divided stone from sand. “So, don’t worry”, she said a while after, smiling at him, “if I see Peke walking around I will just approach him like a desperate fangirl and you can disappear quietly.” This actually made him smile: “Thank you.” and they proceeded to sit in quietness.

They both watched the waves go in and out, the tide rushing in with full might. There were only a few tourists at the beach and even less Spanish people. Wind went through her hair and blew it into her face in steady turns. Then she suddenly took a deep breath and started talking in low voice, almost whispering: “I think something big is bothering you. You don’t want to tell me and that is okey, I can be your hideaway if you want to. I just want you to know that I care for you and I don’t want things to be bothering you, no matter what they are.” She didn’t even look at him, drawing circles in the sand and looking at the sea. “Why?”, he probably should have said something more charming, but this was the only thing crossing his mind. She smiled a quiet smile and looked at him. So dark were her eyes, but this kindness: “I live for people like you, people that deserve to be happy. It’s the only purpose in my life.”

Silence again. He was looking at her with her feet in the sand and wondering, what she liked about him.”It must be hard”, she said to break the silence, “to live so far away from your family and friends in a country which language you don’t know under constant pressure, and having the whole internet hate you. I followed you because of that. Because you are talented and handsome and friendly and people can’t stop talking bad about you. 'How is he coping?’ I asked myself. 'How can I help him?'” She buried her hand in the sand. “I like your smile, the real one. I like how your eyes light up when you are happy – around Peke most of the time. I want to make something better, a difference. I want to help you being happy, because you damn hell deserve every bit of it.” Her voice turned into an angry tune. Lauri didn’t know what to reply and didn’t have the time to do so. “If you are sad, you act it away like a professional. Smile for photos, say hopefull things on twitter, laugh about reddit, but something is wrong with your face. You freeze, you fall in trance, its wrong. Your eyes stop shining, your face is frozen and that’s how I know something is wrong and it makes me want to help. Like now. Something is wrong right now. Something big.” She put emphasis on the last two words and looked at him with an intense stare and he was unable to speak or mumble. How could she know?

She turned away and bit her lower lip, staring back at the ocean. “I…”, he began to say but she cut him off: “Don’t. You don’t need to talk. Something is wrong and I will be here to be your hideaway. You don’t need to feel bad here, I will do it for you. You don’t need to cry on the inside anymore, I will do it for you.” and the at the last words her voice trembled. “Just stay here, the ocean will keep you safe and I will, I promise. Nobody will find you, I will shield you”, she said and started crying. Not loud, not attention seeking. It was pain and helplessness, quiet tears and she formed her hand to fists and bit her lip harder. He took a deep breath and stared into the sea: “Thank you. Talking to you makes me feel a lot better now. Thank you for letting me hide here.” He watched her cry from the corner of his eye, cheeks red and tears dropping. He knew she cried for him, for all the pain she thought he must feel – and he felt- and it weirdly enough lifted a huge weight of his shoulders. She cried his tears, something he had never been able to do.

Time past and they were both just sitting, shoulder to shoulder, her little body shaking a bit from sniffs and tears, but eventually she regained her composure. He looked at his phone for the time. Almost 1 and a half hours had passed since he had run away and he had at least 10 missed calls and 30 messages from Peke. The last one said “IF YOU DONT CALL ME BACK RIGHT NOW I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS TO A PLANE AND SEND YOU BACK HOME WITHOUT DINNER” Peke sounded like Cyanides mum. He pressed the recall button. It only took 2 seconds for the Spanish guy to pick up: “W-T-F bro!” Lauri smiled and the girl started laughing since she was able to hear Peke through the phone. “Sorry, I needed some time. I feel better now. I’m at the beach but we can meet at the mall I find my way.” Peke took a breath and Cyanide could basically feel him having a million questions, but he only said: “Yes. See you there.”

Immediately after the call had ended the girl jumped up to her feet and before he could even understand it, her face was inches away from his. His heart began to beat very fast and he wanted to say anything but her face came closer to his. He could see her cheeks still being wet from the tears and the places where her makeup was ruined by it. He could see her eyes, dark and full of kindness and he could see her, cracked and broken through it. 'I live for people like you, people that deserve to be happy. It’s the only purpose in my life’ he heard her say and he felt the truth of it. He lifted his hands subconsciously and wiped away a single and last tear from her face, resting his hand on her cheek. His lips trembling he closed his eyes awaiting her to kiss him. In a matter of seconds her hand went up to his forehead, sweeping the hair out of his face and kissing his forehead once, long. “Lauri -Cyanide- Happonen”, she whispered into his ear, “ you are under my protection now.” And before he could even say anything or move, she had already started running down the beach, her feet still barefoot in the sand, her jeans still half wet, her red hair flying in the air from the wind.

He was unable to move for a few seconds, his forehead burning where she had kissed him. The waves were crashing at the shore, and he just stared at it. When he finally regained conscious he stood up and tried to get the sand out of legs and shoes. It felt like she had been nothing more than a ghost, send to his side by his mind. Lauri hadn’t even asked for her name or where she was from or when she started liking him. This brief meeting had lifted a lot of weight from his shoulders. He went all the way to the mall, only losing his way once – maybe he hadn’t memorised the City that well overall- and Peke was already waiting. Alone.

“Did you lose your brother?”, Cyanide joked, but Enrique still seemed hurt. “He went home after we looked for you for about an hour.”, he said in short. Cyanide leaned forward pulling his friend into a hug. “I appreciate what you are doing for me. I appreciate that you want to protect me, you always did. I promise you, I will not talk about it again and just enjoy the days I have here. Reality will come back sooner or later. I’m sorry for always bringing this up.” Peke looked at him with one eyebrow raised: “I don’t know what ghost you ran into at the beach but I like it.”

_Baby, I know places we won’t be found and they’ll be chasing their tails trying to track us down_

_'Cause I know places where we can hide. I know places._


	5. Not such a bad thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peke is worried about being upon with others about his relationship with Cyanide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written as a birthday present for my best friend in 2014 October.  
> Song is Not a bad thing from Justin Timberlake I think and   
> it was published on the 3rd of October here: fn-fucking-natic.tumblr.com/post/99093060289/not-such-a-bad-thing

„No, I’m not doing that anymore. You can not do that with me anymore I refuse to cooperate“, he says his eyes scaring me. He has never been angry towards me, at least not like that. I try to stand his angry look, but it sends shivers down my spine. At a normal state his eyes would light up by the sight of my face, sometimes they look worried, but never were they angry. Not at me.

“Come on”, I try and laugh a bit, “We can make it public someday, really, I promise. Just not.. not now.” I bite my lips in hopes he would give in and stop looking at me like that. He puts down his head and runs with his fingers through his hair. A nervous habit. He is thinking about it. I start hoping he would change his mind. Instead he just slams his fist on the bed and starts staring at me again: “No.” He stresses that word, its clear that this is his final answer, my heart sinks to my knees: “Go now please. Get out of my sight.”

I get up and start collecting my stuff on the floor of his room. He is not the cleanest person himself, so I have to work through all his clothes lying in front of his closet. I turn around to the spare bed in his room. Something on his bed reminds me of another argument for my cause: “Well, you are the one to demand things, when there was a girl sleeping in your room last week.” I say, pointing at a shirt on the other bed. Its carefully folded and placed there. I remember seeing her in it and thinking: “This is Lauris shirt, you have no right to wear that.” I look back at him but his stare darkened already: “You know exactly that she just slept over in that bed. She had nothing really to do with me. Leave me alone with your wrong accusations I’m not like you.” Turning his back to me he put the blanket over his had and pretended to fall asleep again.

I decide that its no use to talk to him about this right now. Later would probably be better. I get out of his door and bump into Soaz on his way to the toilet. He is still sleepy, but one look over me says everything to him. I’m only wearing boxershorts and carry the rest of my clothes under my arm, plus I just came out of Lauris room, plus he isn’t an idiot. I look up, say: “Morning.” and try to sneak through to the stairs. He throws his head back:” Morning. When will you finally come out, bro?” Not he too! I bite my lips again and just wave my hand at him. “As if you know about this stuff” I claim and he just shrugs his shoulders and proceeds to the bathroom.

I quietly go down the stairs and push myself into my room. Careful, to not wake Rekkles too. I feel ashamed of what Soaz said. “Damn you,” I think, “What do you know about coming out? People expect me to be a Ladys Man. People expect me to be manly and sadly that doesn’t count as manly. If I were to come out, my career would be over.” I let myself fall on my bed and put my face in my hands. “How many times have I thought about that?”, I ask myself. “How mayn times have I fought with Lauri over this? I dont even want to argue because of this. I don’t want him to be angry with me either.”

I stand up again, pace back and forth, trying to find a solution. Like the million times I tried that before, I can’t find one. But now the situation seemed to have changed drastically, I mean, he just kicked my out of his bed. He had never done that before. I think about the first time I actually thought I might love this guy more than just a teammate or brother. It was during the break after Worlds last year. I spend my time with my dad in America while Lauri went back home to his parents. We talked almost everyday, well at least as much as the timezones allowed us to. I noticed that not being able to talk to him sometimes really hurt me and I missed him a lot. So when we saw each other again and I was filled with this happyness to be able to hug him again, I asked myself if that was just because he was my best friend. Then a few weeks later he suddenly tried to kiss me. We were both a bit drunk and at first I pushed him away. But after thinking about it, it didn’t seem so wrong to me after all.

And then, after Christmas last year when we met each other in the house again, we kissed for the first time. We sat on his bed watching a movie, eating pizza and then we just kissed. For a guy like me that had only been with girls for almost all my life it was weird to think that I was maybe in love with a guy. But it it is so easy to love him. “We should have cleared all that up back then”, I thought, “It would have been easier than now. It is too troublesome now.” Of course that one kiss wasn’t a one time only thing and soon the others started noticing something too. They luckily never said anything, but still the rumours started spreading. I didn’t want to lose my reputation, so to wipe the rumours of the table, I from time to time slept with a random girl I met. I didn’t mind much, it was fun, but I hurt him with it.

He always wanted to make it official, from the go. He said he wouldn’t mind it. “I have enough haters already”, he would say and shrug his shoulders. I’m not as easy going as him. I don’t have the confidence. I’m way too afraid to lose fans, or my contract or friends or…. My head is going in circles over this, over and over again. Lauri was never happy with our situation and soon he kept demanding things in exchange for his attention. He wanted me to tell my mom, which I did. He wanted me to stop bringing home girls, which I did. But again and again he wanted me to finally tell the world the truth and I just can’t do this.

“There is no solution to this! I will never be able to find a middleground between these two worlds I’m living in. “, I think and ruffle my own messy hair. “I have to make him stop being mad at me.” I put on a shirt and real pants. “We can sort everything else out later.”

After dressing and paying a visit to the bathroom I go upstairs through the Gaming room into the kitchen. I put together a set of things I can find in the messy closets. A bowl full of cereal, a toast with Nutella, some orange juice, a cup of coffee and a part of a chocolate cake my mum left when she went back to Spain. I try to place everything on a plate nicely, but it still looks very desperate. “Whatever. It’s my only idea. I can’t stand not talking to him or.. him not talking to me.” On my way out of the kitchen Rekkles almost tackles me down, but manages to find a way around me. “Patient.” he says laughing. He is already up at 9, probably starting practice. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even sleep at all. He takes a look at my pathetic take on bringing breakfast to bed and raises his eyebrows: “ Doesn’t look very romantic don’t you think?” I don’t say anything. He just winks at me, moves to his place next to the window, gets a flower from the window pane and places it on the plate. Its actually looking really nice. I smile at him: “Hmm, thanks.”

“And people think he is the romantic person in our team”, I hear him say as I make my way upstairs.

Trying not to spill all the fluid on the carpet I knock on Lauris door. He doesn’t answer and that doesn’t surprise me at all since he is probably still mad. I knock again. “Please don’t waste your time here, I still don’t want to talk to you”, he says loud from the inside. I sigh. How does he even bare not talking to me, when I can’t bare it? “Hey, sorry for this morning… brain lag. I have something for you, may I please come in?” He doesn’t reply for a few seconds then: “Hm.” which I take as a yes. I move into his room, trying not to fall over his laptop lying on the floor. Lauri still has his back turned towards me so I sit next to him on the bad and put the plate down in front of me.

“I brought you breakfast” I say staring at his back. “You did what?”, he says in disbelief. Slowly he turns around to face me. His eyes seem tired, sad even. They are as iceblue and beautiful as ever and to my big relief.. not angry anymore. I point at the pathetic plate of food and he gets up. “Wow its…. nice?”, he scans the random amount of breakfast food and then the flower: “Is that from Rekkles plant at the window?”

“Hm. Yes.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Its probably not the best thing you have ever eaten for breakfast”, I try to explain myself really fast, “but its an apology from me. I swear I will try to get this thing done.” To my surprise he starts laughing. He laughs so hard that tears start building in his eyes. “What?”, I say, offended by his reaction. He puts his hand on my shoulder: “This is really the most pathetic take on trying to make me less mad.” Then he leans over to give me a kiss on the forehead.

“But its working.” He smiles, and he kisses me and it feels like a first kiss all over again.


	6. Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OC girl is so excited to meet her favourite LCS player Cyanide!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, lets admit that was a self-insert story, but I was so excited after I went to the LCS first in 2014 so here we go.  
> Song is Paradise by Coldplay  
> published on 16th of July 2014 here: fn-fucking-natic.tumblr.com/post/91972765739/paradise-one-shot

_When she was just a girl, she expected the world._

She shivered. The night had gotten colder than she thought it would. She wished she had brought a jacket or a pullover but instead stood there in only a T-Shirt, which was honestly way too big for her and seemed to fit her like a dress. She knew that even if she had brought a jacket she probably wouldn’t have worn it anyway. She sniffed the smell coming from the shirt again and tried to suck it in to keep it in her memory. It made her heart race a bit. She closed her eyes and gave herself in to her thoughts, all wrapped around that lovely smell.

She had always been a dreamer. Her biggest dream had always been flying like a bird. That went back to when she started to think. She loved imagining stories and scenarios in her head. In 2nd grade she even got a special award from her teacher for her outstanding creativity in essays. Maybe it was due to the big amount of books she read in a very short time. Maybe it was because her Mum’s hobby was acting and she watched her from a young age play somebody she wasn’t. Maybe it was what she dreamed. Her dreams had always been extraordinary ones, to the point were she even sometimes lead them in directions she wanted them to go. She dreamed about flying a lot. It gave her a feeling of being able to do anything, to go where she wanted, to escape conventions and responsibilities. But especially she dreamed about THAT special thing that would come to her one day and define her as a person. She dreamed about being the worlds best athlete, or female footballer, or hockey player. Of being super intelligent, becoming a successful author or meeting her favourite singer, band or even internet people. And of course she dreamed of the meetings she would have with her friends that lived far away. Her Mum had crushed her heart when she announced that adults don’t dream anymore when she was 9. You could say that this was, really, her defining moment. She promised herself that day, 9 years old, showering for at least an hour lost in her thoughts, that she won’t grow up to be an adult and never, never ever stop dreaming. She rather wanted to not live at all than give up the only thing she loved like nothing else in the world: her own stories.

When she finally couldn’t avoid adulthood on paper anymore (she turned 18) and she was faced on and on again with life changing decisions she hardly felt able to make, she found herself time and tie again living a second life in her head. What her mother had told her years ago had spread this growing fear inside her that she would lose this opportunity to escape. It made it nearly impossible for her to think rational about adulthood. She put all of her resources into fighting off getting mature, it made her a loner in school. The fear of the dreams suddenly stopping had also driven her into depression (not only that, but also). But than again it gave her the ability to escape into her head, her world, when the “real” world was too grey for her to exist.

Books, TV-Shows, Videos, Music it all inspired her more and more to live and relive scenarios in her mind. She usually got very invested in these kinds of things. Storys, Interviews, Videos to let her storys be better, be closer to the actual thing. To be more realistic. Her friends would misunderstand that determination with obsession and would shake their heads at her, but she knew they didn’t understand so she didn’t mind much. She was tired of acting like she was actually grown up. She wanted to be cool, funny and flirty, good at everything, friends with everybody, like she was in her imagination. She didn’t care much for her “real” self. It was not worth worrying, it was not worth taking care of. She felt useless and still in her mind she felt like she could do anything she liked. She sometimes felt trapped with to personality s in one body. Only that “the cool part” never showed itself and “the lame one” was a permanent resident she couldn’t get rid off.

When she took the time to look back she had to admit that her life after she turned 14 had just been one obsession after the other. She was even able to put the obsessions in periods of 1-6 months. After that time it usually slowed down and something else took its place. Not that she stopped liking what she obsessed about before, something else was just more interesting. At that time she would open up a new book series, would start a new Show, would see a new movie or find another good looking guy somewhere on the internet she would want to now more about. She tried to live in that world then, tried to make up scenarios where she met the actors, lived in the characters fantastical world or suddenly became friends with someone she liked and become that way famous herself.

Half a year ago she suddenly got well aware of somebody that spread a new obsession in her. It was not something special about him that made her instantly like him, it was how ordinary he seemed in his extraordinary life. He was young, just 19 years old, tall, blonde, blue eyed, Finnish and his profession was League of Legends, and that since he was 15. He has already won World Championships when he was still very young and was still active and leading in what he did. It felt like love at first sight. She had been playing the game for some time to get distraction, she did a lot to get distraction, but she had never known about the professional scene and if she had, she didn’t care. But then here he was, handsome and cute, and she wanted to know everything about him. So she did her routine on him: videos, interviews, fanfics, fan arts, tweets, Facebook and in his case also streams and she fell deeper in love with him.

Except for his profession, he was a normal 19 year old boy. He loved the right music, was lazy, addicted to coffee, enjoyed watching anime and going out with his best friends. He was humble and friendly, laughed about the right jokes, knew what to answer on the question he was asked (except one time when he slipped and said he did bad because he was hungover, but nobody is perfect). She was amazed by how much she could like him without any special charactertraits. He was just ordinary and she loved it.

His videos, his tweets, his streams became her island. The place were she could return to when she felt not ready to take on her real life. People were nice there, people understood her there. She felt like a bird who could finally spread her wings. These people didn’t not judge her for dreaming, they joined in. He didn’t seem to be bothered by all these girls talking about him, it made him laugh, at so it made her happy. She wanted to constantly see him, imagined him becoming friends with her. “We would be very good friends yes”, she very strongly believed that. She gave in to the live in her head for a few hours a day without feeling guilty. And she never felt more alive. So naturally she wanted to give it back to him, this feeling, she wanted to meet him. So she saved up for a trip to the LCS Event where he would be playing and crossed her fingers that she would really meet him. She practised speeches to tell him, things she would give him from her. She wanted to be cool, look cool. Just not like herself. Like the other self.

When she arrived at the Studio, late because she missed her subway at first, Fnatic were already on stage. She didn’t look at him at first, since she had to find a seat that was still free, but when she did, her heart started racing. He was sitting right in front of her, maybe 10 feet away. They seemed to be already focused on their next game, talking to each other. The Casters started introducing everybody and talked about the last game, but she was barely listening. She looked at him and him alone. He seemed to be in a good mood, he laughed, ran his fingers through his newly cut hair and took sips from his coffee cup, just like always. In a weird way she felt nervous now, being so close to him. She bit her nails and when for a brief second his glance went over the crowd, she flinched and made a very bad attempt to hide away behind the person sitting in front of her. She felt stupid and tried to overplay it with taking something out of her pocket.

The game started and she concentrated fully on it. She could not see his face now anyway, only sometimes, when they showed the webcam briefly, but only then. She could not help but imagine herself up on stage. She brought the image alive in her head. Joe Miller saying: “She is the first ever female pro player in the LCS. She also one of the biggest talents in the role of support. Since she is in challenger Fnatic have picked her up immediately. She was on a substitute position for the longest time, but now is her time to shine!” Deficio leaning over to him: “Yes she is pretty talented and also with her boyfriend backing her up, who is also a team member…” She stopped the thought right there. This will never happen. Stop dreaming, start living, she told herself.

Her team won! She laughed and clapped and cheered with everybody else. A good feeling was floating through her and she even stood up to join in for the ovations. The players stood up to go over and shake hands with the opponent team and she followed his every step. Suddenly one of the opposite players raised his voice. He was a former player of Fnatic and had a grudge against them since they kicked him out. He started screaming: “These guys are so stupid!!! They cant do anything except win. They have nothing. Their lives are boring. Look at that one”, and pointed at him, “that virgin. He has not even been kissed yet! Look at his boring, ugly face.” A sudden rage felt her heart and before she could think straight, she jumped up and climbed on stage. She gave a hateful look to the guy and ran. She ran over to him and grabbed his shirt. “Sorry”, she said and he looked at her, confused. She pulled him down with all her strength, stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. At first she was afraid he would pull away, but he didn’t. He kissed back, shortly, but he did. It was weird, she obviously had kissed boys before, but his lips were pretty slim and she really, really did like him. When she finally pulled away he just stared at her. She turned around and screamed: “Well at least he has been kissed now. We can change the Virgin part later.”

Loud music pulled her out of her daydream. The team had already left the stage and she was sitting alone in the first row. She felt stupid that she got lost again and told herself once again to stop doing that. She stood up and left the studio to the little lobby outside. The “kiss” was still lingering on her lips. It never was, but she could still felt it very clearly. So confusing. She told herself to act like a person her age and leaned against a wall. Maybe they will come out now, she said to herself. Be cool when that happens, will you? She looked at the other people. Some of them were just eating in the back, but some ran around very nervously. They are waiting too, she thought, they are excited. I know how that feels, I am too. Her hands were shaking.

And there they were. All of them. He was the last person to actually come out. He immediately started taking pictures and signing stuff fans gave him. She wanted to say anything to him, but her throat suddenly felt soar. She tried to take a picture, but all the other people were to tall and she could only get heads on it. She sighed of frustration, when suddenly a voice was at her ear “You cant see well, can you?” She shivered and turned around. It was him! He was standing right behind her, with a big smirk on his face. “Well.” she said, “its hard, everybody is so tall. Lift me up maybe?” she felt so strong saying that, and she gave him the best smile she had. To her surprise he nodded: “Sure, why not?” and wrapped his arms around her to let her sit on his shoulders. So high! She still felt safe. He has got me, she thought, he won’t let me fall. “Hey” she heard him say “look what I caught…”

She opened her eyes again and the image faded. She was still leaning against a wall and staring at him. He had turned his back to her, but he was standing very close. She took all her guts and walked over to him. Since he was still standing with his back turned to her, she tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around. “Can … can I..?” she started to say but her voice died halfway and she only made an awkward squeezing sound. “Yes?” he said and gave her a smirk that made her heart beat faster. She took a deep breath: “You know how in football the players change shirts after the game? Can I have your shirt then?”

Silence.

She could not believe she just asked that. What was that. Am I dreaming, she asked herself and slapped slightly on her ass to see if she’d wake up. What she said was out. He just stood there. He saw her. He saw all of her. She could feel him scanning her. Her clothes, her hair, her eyes. “I ehm.. dreamed that once? And you gave me your shirt, I thought I might try that out” she tried to save that situation with fake laughter, but he just lifted his shoulders: “Sorry. I can’t give it to you now.” She felt like someone had punched her in the guts. She took a few short breaths and said: “Ah no worries, no worries. It was a dumb question anyway.” He turned his back to her again and started taking pictures with others again. She felt stupid again. She told herself to stay in her dreams then. Nothing bad ever happened there. These things were not made to be said out loud, they sounded creepy. Act your age, she scolded herself time and time again. She was sad, upset that she gave her one and only chance away so easily. I hate you, she told her real self. I hate you too, she told her self in her mind. I hate everything.

She decided to go home. It had only been the first game, but her mood was spoiled. She ruined the perfect day she had been planning for weeks with just one dumb question. She moved towards the exit when suddenly someone grabbed her hand. As she turned around someone threw something at in her face. A shirt. She put it down from her face and looked up. He still held her hand grabbed tight in his. He laughed at her: “Well I couldn’t give it to you before, because of the pictures, but now, now you can have it. See you around soon I hope.” He let her hand go and turned around. Before he disappeared fully he turned back one last time: “Its funny that you dream about me, nice to know. I will definitely not forget you!” and then he was gone.

She pulled the shirt over the one she was already wearing. She sniffed it. It smelled good. It smelled better than she had imagined. I am memorable, she said to herself. He will remember me. He said I am a nice dreamer. Dreaming is not a bad thing, it will get me somewhere. She wrapped her arms around herself, the air was filled with this smell she loved and she once again promised herself she would never stop dreaming again.

_She dreamed of paradise, every time she closed her eyes._


End file.
